How to write a Chinese essay.

I spent five years of my childhood in a Chinese vernacular primary school. That means that I have collected approximately 5400 Coca-cola tin cans and 753kg of newspapers for the school. But that also means that I have memorized at least 12,367 essays, which justifies the reason why I should teach you how to write a Chinese essay.

Before I go any further, allow me to remind you that the only names permitted to be used in your essays are 小明 for a male character and 小丽 for a female character. 小强 and 小慧 may be used if there is a need for extra characters. I once wrote a letter to 杰伦. My teacher circled the name and wrote 'do not use your idol's name in your essays!' in red ink. She said it would reflect badly on me when the UPSR examiner marks it. Twelve years have passed and I still do not understand what harm would it do to write a letter to Jay Chou telling him about Malaysian local fruits.

The easier essay topics are always about your family and yourself. When writing about your family, remember to use the phrase "我来自一个小康之家". When writing about your ambitions, please start your essay with "每个人都有自愿，我也不例外". If you are a boy, your ambition should be to be a cop; if you are a girl, your ambition is to be a teacher. Do not forget to describe it as 人类灵魂工程师.

My favourite essay topic has to be 野餐记. "在一个风和日丽的早晨，爸爸心血来潮提议带我们一家人到波德申海边野餐。我们听了，高兴得手舞足蹈。一路上，我们有说有笑，不一会儿就抵达了目的地。我们在一棵阴凉的大树下铺了草席。我和弟弟迫不及待地换上泳装，投入大自然的怀抱里。爸爸在岸上看报纸，而妈妈便准备食物。" Remember, your mother should be preparing lunch under the tree so that you can then use the phrases "狼吞虎咽" and "津津有味" in the next paragraph. Your father should be reading the newspapers so that he can later on save a drowning boy and give him CPR before the boy's parents thank him gratefully. Remember to end your essay with "夕阳西下，我们带着依依不舍的心情踏上归途。我希望有朝一日还能再重游此地".

Another popular type of essay question is the kind where they give you a sentence and ask you to complete the essay. "一天晚上，爸爸和妈妈去出席了王伯伯举办的晚宴，我一个人留在家里温习功课。忽然..." There are only two ways to complete this essay. The first one is where you hear a noise and then find out that someone is trying to break into your neighbour's house and you call the police. The second one is where you hear "救命啊，救命啊!" and then realise that your neighbour's house is on fire and then you call the firefighters. No matter which is your preferred choice, the essay will always end with your parents praising you and your neighbours thanking you.

Sometimes, they give you a daytime question. "一天中午，爸爸和妈妈在外上班，我一个人留在家里温习功课。忽然，门铃响了..." In this case, there are also two possible solutions. The first possible solution is that a salesman appears and tries to sell you a magic stone that helps you to pass your exams. You either buy it or you don't. If you don't, the essay ends with your parents praising you; if you do, the essay ends with a lecture from your parents. Another possible situation is that two masked robbers enter and tie you up and one of them will hold a machete to your neck. If you do not know how to end the essay, just end it with "原来这只是一场恶梦".

I don't know how to end this blogpost.

这只是一场恶梦.